Control Freak

A few friends of mine are practicing in Lent this year. They asked me if I wanted to join in (even though none of us are Catholic) and yes, I took the low road. We were discussing it over lunch yesterday and I was contemplating what I'd give up if need be for a month. It should definitely be something difficult or that would defeat the entire purpose. And so I decided it would have to be Diet Coke. I probably drink close to 5 or 6 a day. Now, coffee was a strong second, but I think I'd use decaf as a substitute and that's just kinda cheating. So, Diet Coke it is. Not giving it up. But would if I were Catholic.

On another spiritual note, our pastor delivered a great sermon on the subject of Doubt yesterday. I was so enthralled and clung to every word. One thing he said that stuck with me was the phrase, "God does not change just because our circumstances do." It got me thinking back a bit.

I tend to be somewhat of a control freak when it comes to....uh....things like....well, you could say....anything. Through the years, I guess I've learned to let go. Slowly. One area at a time actually. I was far from the best example when it came to trust (esp on big things). Honestly, it's taken me a long time to trust in the Lord on certain things in particular. All the easy things I'd let him control of course. But really, he wasn't in complete control.

The hardest decision was to turn over the hold I had on my finances. It was probably the most difficult of all. And really it was more spiritually letting go rather than physically. We'd been tithing for years but I was always SO SCARED of all the 'what ifs' trying to make sure I had everything under CONTROL. One of my biggest fears has always been financial ruin. Nothing to base that on. It's just a fear like someone breaking into your house kinda fear. So Jon and I have made every effort to take paths not to lead us there.

One morning I realized that I never really had control in the first place. You can't put God in charge with limitations. I wanted his guidance, but still wanted the final say. I immediately gave that up to him and everything changed. I can' t tell you what a relief it is to know that I'm free of that burden. I don't have to worry about screwing it up because God decides what's best. He knows. And I don't. So, everything is lifted. Money. Marriage. Life's direction. Everything.

This is what I finally (and just recently) realized: God gets to make the decision. Not me. If he decides to place on me my biggest fear, and somehow we are forced to file bankruptcy or we end up homeless or lets say we loose everything because that's the route HE chooses. If everything is NOT okay...... It is still okay. It's not about this life. He is preparing a place for me and that place has absolutely nothing to do with the circumstances of this life.

I still have fears. And trust me, you know, I struggle with control. But not doubt. Not anymore. Not about a thing. Thank God because it's so much easier this way.